I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
