omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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