Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
