but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
