My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
