I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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