Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
