Small penises have feelings too.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
