Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
