Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
