I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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