I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
