cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
