I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
