Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
FUCK WHALES
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
