About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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