Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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