do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
