i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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