I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
