Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
