i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
