At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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