no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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