Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can you repeat that, but with context?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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