She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
