Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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