Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
