well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
