he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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