I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
