So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
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If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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