Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
