im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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