I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
