Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
