i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Randomize
