Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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