sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
