Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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