You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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