After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
