First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just had sex bonerless
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
