i don't like sucking hair
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize