I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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