Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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