I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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