Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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