is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
