Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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