so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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