Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
