The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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