my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
