just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
